imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
