dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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