Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
