I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
