He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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