I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
