i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
