She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
