so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
