Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
