Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
