Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
