did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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