I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
