ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
