the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
