god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
