The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
