Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
