you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
