Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
