I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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