you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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