the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
