It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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