I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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