Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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