I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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