Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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