The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
