why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
