I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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