I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
