Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
