We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
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