Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
