i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
