i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
