Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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