I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
