Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
