i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize