I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
