I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize