My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
