I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
