dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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