The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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