I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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