It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
