all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
