I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
