i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
