i permit you to call me
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
