Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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