i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
