I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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