My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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