i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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