I think I won the penis lottery.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
