Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
