Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
