Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I could make wine with my vomit
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We had to coat check the pizza.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize
