census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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